Automail Housemaid
by MisoGreen
Summary: Ed is officially the messiest guy alive... or at least in the area, and Winry's out for revenge ONESHOT constructive criticism is encouraged!


Automail Housemaid 

"You're not telling me that you've never cleaned a single dish in your life!"

A wrench flew from Winry's fist and hit the golden-haired alchemist squarely in the head. Edward doubled over in pain and fell to the floor, clutching his temples as he rubbed the fast-growing bruise that could've easily killed him. Of course, Alphonse had always told him that he was much too hardheaded to die from a wrench to the head.

The cerulean-eyed mechanic, Winry, seemed to often take advantage of this.

"It's not my fault! It's not my thing to clean up! We're…"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME THAT STATE ALCHEMISTS DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO PICK UP A DISHRAG AND WASH A PLATE!"

Ed shrunk back as his fiery host stared him down back onto the hardwood floor. Alphonse shook his iron head as he polished off his armor. Granny Pinako wasn't too far away, the clicking of her knitting needles the only other sound in the heated silence.

"It's true Winry… ever since we were little, Ed has been the biggest slacker I've known, even when we were little." Alphonse shrugged his shoulders as Ed shot him a death-look.

"It's not like a little messiness ever killed anyone!" he muttered, never tearing away his death-stare from his brother, as if daring him to say something else.

It wasn't Al who spoke next. "Actually…" the clicking of Pinako's paused for a moment. "You might remember that time when Winry tripped and hit her head while playing at your house a few years ago…"

"Oh yeah… Ed told me that there was a new rug in the hall, and I tripped and…" she stopped herself as her gaze came over to Edward's sheepish face.

"Yes, dear, of course you wouldn't remember. I seem to remember differently when you tripped over one of Edward's toy cars, and you fell into the dishwasher, when a stack of dirty dishes fell on your head."

"What!" Winry's animosity grew to the peak of ferocity, as she tried to throw something harder than a wrench at Edward's head, with Alphonse now restraining her. "That was two weeks of my life you friggin' cost me!" she seemed to bare fangs as Edwards stood up and dusted himself off.

"Winry, for the last time, you're not going to get me to wash anything in this house. I thought we were your guests."

"_Guests? _We fix your automail for almost no charge! The least you could do is HELP AROUND THE HOUSE!"

"Whatever… it's late, I'm gonna head off to bed." Ed said, as carelessly as possible, as he slunk out the doorway, his golden braid the last thing seen whipping around the corner. Al braced himself to restrain her further, but found that the mechanic was surprisingly calm, and bore a somewhat disturbing smile. Granny Pinako seemed to recognize the look as she sweetly approached her grandmother, with a razor-sweet edge to her voice Alphonse never knew she had.

"Granny…?"

"In the closet, Winry." The pint-sized woman nodded at her, but not without finishing the last stitches on the wooly garment for the night.

---

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU FRIGGIN' DO TO ME WINRY?"

It was expected that Ed didn't wake up from the previous night's escapades. Even with hot sparks flying in his face, his automail being tampered with, and even a fairly large-sized chainsaw involved in the procedure, Winry finished her revenge swiftly, though not necessarily silently. Alphonse shook his head at his brother.

The state alchemist now sported a lengthy vacuum cleaner on his left leg, the foot replaced by the dirt-sucking end piece. A cord trailed from the sole of his foot into a large socket in the armor of Winry's large battery charger in the attic. His right arm was now a very convenient package, designed much like a Swiss army knife. Instead of the usual weaponry most state alchemists were armed with, he was now fully equipped with a series of feather dusters, sponges, rags, laundry detergent, and other various household products.

"Get this goddamn junk off my automail!" he snapped at the satisfied blonde, who sat calmly at the kitchen table, sipping her tea, and slowly chewing her jam and toast. Granny Pinako's face was surprisingly straight, and Al's face could've almost passed for aloof, even through the expressionless armor.

"Well, that's what you get for demanding us to clean up after you. I swear, Edward, all these 15 years I've known you, you've taken the little cleanliness you possess for granted…"

"ARE YOU GOING TO PREACH TO ME ALL MORNING, OR ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THIS DAMN VACCUUM OFF MY FOOT?"

Alphonse sighed as Edward stalked off from the kitchen, with great difficulty from the added weight on his left leg. Winry smirked in satisfaction. Al sighed in exasperation as he made a great clunking sound as he headed off after his brother. Upstairs, Granny Pinako snored loudly in her room, so that it echoed through the now dead-silent house.

"Clean it."

"Are you friggin' nuts, Al? You were in on this too! And I'm not gonna give Winry what she wants…"

"Big brother, this may be the only way to return us to… normal…" Alphonse wasn't sure how Ed would take it after he'd phrased the sentence. Ed heaved a great breath and shook his head. Normal… what was normal to them now? He grunted as he got up and glared at his brother.

"I guess anything's normal, compared to having a series of household claning products attached to my hand."

"I swear to god, you'd better back me up on this if Winry doesn't change me back after I clean up for a day." Alphonse felt his smile plastered onto his armored helmet, as if it were drawn on with permanent marker. He could always tell if his big brother was smiling, even if his back was turned.

"I promise, big brother."

It was pain in more places than one as the day wore on. "I never knew feather dusters were so damn heavy!" Ed groaned as he lifted his arm to dust the top shelf. He groaned and complained loudly, as Winry watched him lazily, shaking her head.

"Oh… and it hurts even more as you raise your hand as it collects the many weighty particles of dust…" she teased mockingly. "Come on Edward, you call yourself a state alchemist, and you can't even do a bit of housework?"

"Shut up." Ed snapped back, as he looked back to see Al holding back a snigger on the couch.

"You know, Big Brother, you could be a LITTLE more optimistic."

"Well, now that you mention it…" Ed grinned to his brother, "The wheels on the vacuum DOES give me about an extra two centimeters of height…"

"Hush up, shrimp… you've still got to do the dishes for the week!" Winry said, her devilish grin playing on the features of her face. Her wrench twirled tauntingly between her fingers.

"That piece of iron you're holding is SO going to be the end of me."

"Shut up. It just might save you if you finish dusting and skating around the living room on that set of wheels of yours."

It was times like this that Ed had never wished his hand wasn't a clump of gray feathers at that precise moment, so he could wipe at least a part of her smile off that evil-ridden face. She was evil… pure evil…

"Oh, and one more thing Ed…" she said, as she walked smugly up to his pained expression on his face. "Granny's been sewing this on the side… aside from all the knitting she's been doing."

He groaned as a frilly pink apron slipped over his head. He glanced with a helpless look at his brother.

"14 and a half hours left…" he said, answering the question flashing in his head like a neon sign.

"It's gonna be a looooong day…" groaned the Automail Housemaid.

_(A/N: omg, never again… I absolutely SUCK at humor stories. I guess I'm not that funny when it comes to writing. Well, it's a one-shot, and I was bored. Plus, I wanted to write something FMA-ish… well, constructive criticism is encouraged! Please Review!)_


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